Somewhere above the clouds, 13th-14th February 2013.


Benca, mae!

I’m already on the plane to Sao Paulo. We had a little stop and change in Madrid, where I had to wait a while. Your body is already buried, and I know you’re rested and well now, but this pain just won’t go. And I think it will stay here in my heart forever. I’ll explain to you what it feels like (well, you must know, because you lost your mother as well, just at a much older age). It feels exactly as if you had gone to sleep one night, and you woke up the next day and somebody has cut your right arm out. You didn’t see them doing it, you didn’t feel it then, you didn’t let them do it, but it’s gone. Your right arm is just gone!
By the time I got to Heathrow, Mother, I had such a terrible headache! I think it’s because I was trying to hold my tears, and I had this knot in my throat, and my chest felt super tight. I cried a few times, but I just couldn’t be crying all the time in front of everyone, could I? What would they think? So, I went to Boots and bought some headache tablets. I also bought sleeping tablets. Craig and I always take them when we go to Brazil. Don’t worry; it’s just a one off thing. It’s because the flight is so long, that we get a bit bored and so tired! So, we wait for dinner to come – obviously! – and then we take one tablet each. It’s enough for at least 4-5 hours’ sleep. I was going to tell you to do the same when you come, but you’re not coming now, are you? L
Well, you know one thing I’ve just noticed? The seat next to me on the two planes I’ve taken came empty. Nobody sitting next to me, mother. It’s like you’re going on this trip with me. To comfort me, maybe; or maybe to see what’s like to be on a long-haul flight. I slept quite well – after the sleeping tablet, of course. I love the IBERIA planes. There’s so much space between seats! Craig would also love it! I miss him, by the way. I miss him a lot. I really don’t like travelling without him, although this time I think it will be better. I don’t want to share Father and the girls with anyone else. Danilo is not there either. It will be just us. Minus you. Oh, dear…

The pilot has just said we’re flying over Salvador now. It’s sunrise time. Mother, if the place you are is anything like what I’m seeing now, you might be having a great time! I can already feel the warmth of this country. The sun is slowly coming up and the mixture of colours reaching the fluffy clouds is amazing to look at! It feels like a cotton candy field, where everything is orange and yellow. This place screams “happy”. Too bad my heart feels exactly the opposite. I want you back, mother. Where’s life’s ‘rewind’ button? Is there a ‘delete’ key somewhere?

They are bringing breakfast now, Mother. I’ve got to go, but I’m sure you’ll see what I eat. J
Love you so much!
Dani.
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